Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be