Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

The funk soul brother

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT