[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
i wish i could marry a nap
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
orange cat behavior
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
