[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
🤷♀️
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
every. time.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
estão todos miauvindo?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
