Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth