[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked