Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.