Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Twitter remains undefeated

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.