Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

New nose

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.