Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.