Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”