Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.