Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Effort made

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.