*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
me doing my best
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.