Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

*skinny dips into black hole

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.