Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes