Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
o shit
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Thrilling chase underway
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?