Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted