Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!