Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

😬

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.