Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

ㅤ

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

When you don’t understand how floors work

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.