Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

look scared

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Nothing.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’