Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting