Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You Might Also Like
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics