Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

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[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”


Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK


Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.


[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*


CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea


“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.


Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*


flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator


“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.