Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Beware of the dog..
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it