did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Only 5 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week..
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”