Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You Might Also Like
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I know a bad idea when I see one.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Attacked by a mop.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids