Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things