Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
he looks great for his age
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
pelicons
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The devil.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…