Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
me hitting on a model
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Guantanamo Bae