Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Festive toon…
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?