Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
i will not be silenced
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*