Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right