Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.