Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Tapped in
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door