Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good