Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
This one, by a wide margin
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Don’t talk down to me
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
How to draw a duck
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
True.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
the Monday after daylight savings
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava