Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

shakira sharkira

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

Bless you

This meeting could have been a cake

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?