can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
same bro
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
United Steaks of America
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
