can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
that lip filler tho
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”