Can anyone recommend some good introductory books for someone just getting into reading performatively on public transport
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my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.