Can anyone recommend some good introductory books for someone just getting into reading performatively on public transport
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My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Wake me when AI does housework
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace