Can confirm.
You Might Also Like
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
the icebreaker
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.