Can confirm.
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Become ungovernable.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
spicy snake
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….