Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box