Can confirm.
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My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
True freaking story!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*