Can confirm.
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis