Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

roses are red
i fall when i skate

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me