Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.