Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Inside you there are two wolves
![]()
![]()
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Generation gap…
![]()
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.