Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
You Might Also Like
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Breaking news:
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor