Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“FRAAANCE!”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
🤣
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.