Can Happiness buy money?
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.