Can Happiness buy money?
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.