Can Happiness buy money?
You Might Also Like
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.