Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Can Happiness buy money?
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Forget Klondike, you should see what I’d do for an open bar.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem