Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain