Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

ㅤ

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No