Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.