Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone