“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Incredible customer service.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old