Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.