“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The most accurate map ever devised.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?