“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
me after i passed that state trooper
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
So sick of all these stupid rules
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark