Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
They got Raph!
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).