Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
How it started How it’s going
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me in tagged photos
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.