Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

due date

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

guys I’m going home

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.