“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
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My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Welcome to the stomach
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.