“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Somedays I just love AI so much
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Things will get butter, keep churning
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.