“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
