“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
#FunnyLife Insects
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.