Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Huge, if true.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.