Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.