Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.