Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

in the ocean

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.