Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
How to woo a woman
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I hope Alan is OK
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time