Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
You Might Also Like
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.