“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.