“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You Might Also Like
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Hoping to spice up my evening
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.