“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My Sentiments Exactly
True story 🤣
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how