“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You Might Also Like
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen